She’ll Steal the Baby’s Breath

She’ll Steal the Baby’s Breath

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there was a newly married couple.

Like every good young married couple, they decided a kitten would make a wonderful little addition to the family. One night, the wife brought home a precious, steel-gray kitten with a white spot on her chest.

They named her Olivia.

Olivia was as prissy as her name insinuated. This was her normal pose, all the time. If she was standing, she was standing like a proper kitty. As if she were a Queen or something.

Olivia, the Queen, had her world rocked when another kitten was added and then a rowdy puppy. But she took it all in stride. Hiding out when she could and generally snubbing them and leaving them to their own devices. They were SO beneath her.

And then? Then a baby was born to the couple. The wife’s father was adamant that they must get rid of the cats because, as everyone knows, the cat will take the baby’s breath. This more than likely will occur by the cat jumping into the crib, using her paws to hold him down, placing her tiny mouth over his and sucking his breath right out. WHAT?

{I know, they really mean the cat will lay on the baby’s face and suffocate them, but this is my story…}

So anyway, the baby was born. A healthy, beautiful baby boy. Born after an easy, television-show-worthy labor even. {Again, my story, I can make it sound as great as I want. I won’t mention the 26 hours of labor and 3.5 hours of pushing.}

The couple was showered with gifts, balloons and flowers at the hospital and when they came home.

The first night home, the wife’s parents and sister brought dinner over. They all gathered around the table to dine on some casserole type meal and the beautiful, sleeping baby was in the swing next to the exhausted mom.

While everyone was minding their own business, chatting about how glorious the labor and hospital stay was, the cat was clearly scheming a way to take the breath of the small infant only feet away.

And then?

Then?

In one elegant, gazelle-like leap, Olivia jumped from the floor onto the table, touching her feet down between casserole dishes and glassware, GRABS A SPRIG OUT OF THE FLORAL ARRANGEMENT and continues her graceful descent to the ground.

Where she promptly goes and runs to the other room with her booty.

The mom could see her from her seat and said in her oh-how-she-needs-some-sleep weariness, “Well, looks like the cat stole the baby’s breath.

Baby’s Breath.

She stole the Baby’s Breath.

She honest-to-God stole the Baby’s Breath.

Let that be a *warning.

The End.

*The warning is that cats should obviously not be able to jump on a table full of food. That’s gross!

PS. This is a true story.

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Comments

  1. Sounds like my cat! Although she is far less graceful (more a tub of lard), she won’t hesitate to jump on a table full of food. I was so nervous about her when we first brought Peanut home – now I realize – she couldn’t care less!!

  2. Sweet Bolivia. :)

  3. My father always used to say that as well. I think he just didn’t realise the honour it was to have a cat agree to live in the house with us.

    Great story.

  4. This is one of the greatest stories ever.

    (My mother-in-law told me when I was pregnant that I needed to stay away from my friend’s cat because they kill unborn babies.)

    • Ahaha! Yes. And how would that be, MIL? By scratching through the belly or by sucking the air out of your belly button? (I’m sure it had to do with changing litter, blah blah blah but that sounds funnier)

  5. I love it, sounds like our cat:)

  6. Hahaha. I love it, mostly because of the side notes I think.

    She sounds very much like our cat, who – thankfully – has yet to steal any babies’ breath around here.

    • Haha! Well, maybe your cat doesn’t know where the baby’s breath is. You should put some out on the table for her.

      But for full disclosure, Olivia was a strange cat. She’d rather eat a salad than her cat food. Yes, salad. The bagged Romaine kind. *nods incessantly and shakes her head with disgust*

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