Yesterday started with the alarm on my iPhone going off. I hit snooze, rolled over and snuggled up with Henry. Jason’s out of town so he stays in my bed when we’re home alone. I figure I can save him faster if something happens.
The morning routine went really well, especially considering lately it’s been a yell-fest in the mornings. It was a morning full of “yes ma’ams” and “okays.”
Maybe the promise of field day and birthday cake helped. I don’t know!
Charlie’s birthday cake was pulled out. The candle was lit. We sang “Happy Birthday” in our off-key morning voices and cut two big pieces of cake for breakfast.
We celebrated a 9 year old who will forever be 24 days old. Our son, Henry’s brother. Our Charlie.
And it was everything we hoped it would be!
I shuffled the kiddo off to school and sat down, taking time with my Starbucks chai and taking in all the love pouring in from FB, twitter and the comments on yesterday’s post.
It crept in slowly, invading my thoughts more and more each minute.
I’m angry because it’s just completely unfair that ANY parent should have to live the rest of their lives without their children.
I’m angry because WHY was my family the one in a bazillion whose child will die from late onset Group B Strep?
I’m angry that I didn’t have the foresight or someone to tell me that I needed to take pictures of us as a family in those last hours.
I’m angry because as much as I’ve tried to rid myself of any guilt over “possibly” being the cause of his death, it sneaks in and makes me doubt myself. I don’t like feeling guilty for something that can never be known. Yet I do.
I’m angry because I have friends who, because of Charlie, are scared that THEIR child is going to die. While he’s helped so many, he’s also made people realize their children aren’t promised for a lifetime either.
I’m angry because I have to wait (hopefully) a long time to see him again.
I’m angry that Henry will never know him.
I’m angry that he’ll never go to prom, get married, have a job, have children, HAVE FUN.
I’m angry because I want new friends to know him.
I’m angry because I don’t want a guardian angel with a name. I WANT MY BABY BACK.
I’m mostly angry that I’m angry.
Nine years later, I’m still angry. How will I feel in 50 more years? Will it still cut me to the core like it did yesterday?
Most days I feel like I’m okay. I mean, I AM okay.
But yesterday? I was angry and it caught me off guard.
Today is a new day. One that will bring a much-needed shower, healthier food, my husband back from backpacking and answers to a question that’s been looming for a few months. And the best part is, I woke up not feeling angry.
I’m sure it’ll be a good day.