Yesterday started with the alarm on my iPhone going off. I hit snooze, rolled over and snuggled up with Henry. Jason’s out of town so he stays in my bed when we’re home alone. I figure I can save him faster if something happens.
The morning routine went really well, especially considering lately it’s been a yell-fest in the mornings. It was a morning full of “yes ma’ams” and “okays.”
Maybe the promise of field day and birthday cake helped. I don’t know!
Charlie’s birthday cake was pulled out. The candle was lit. We sang “Happy Birthday” in our off-key morning voices and cut two big pieces of cake for breakfast.
We celebrated a 9 year old who will forever be 24 days old. Our son, Henry’s brother. Our Charlie.
And it was everything we hoped it would be!
I shuffled the kiddo off to school and sat down, taking time with my Starbucks chai and taking in all the love pouring in from FB, twitter and the comments on yesterday’s post.
You know how I’ve talked a lot about grief being like a rock in your shoe? Well, that rock in your shoe can come in any of the stages of grief. Today I was saddled with Anger.
It crept in slowly, invading my thoughts more and more each minute.
I’m angry.
Mr. Angry
I’m angry because it’s just completely unfair that ANY parent should have to live the rest of their lives without their children.
I’m angry because WHY was my family the one in a bazillion whose child will die from late onset Group B Strep?
I’m angry that I didn’t have the foresight or someone to tell me that I needed to take pictures of us as a family in those last hours.
I’m angry because as much as I’ve tried to rid myself of any guilt over “possibly” being the cause of his death, it sneaks in and makes me doubt myself. I don’t like feeling guilty for something that can never be known. Yet I do.
I’m angry because I have friends who, because of Charlie, are scared that THEIR child is going to die. While he’s helped so many, he’s also made people realize their children aren’t promised for a lifetime either.
I’m angry because I have to wait (hopefully) a long time to see him again.
I’m angry that Henry will never know him.
I’m angry that he’ll never go to prom, get married, have a job, have children, HAVE FUN.
I’m angry because I want new friends to know him.
I’m angry because I don’t want a guardian angel with a name. I WANT MY BABY BACK.
I’m mostly angry that I’m angry.
Nine years later, I’m still angry. How will I feel in 50 more years? Will it still cut me to the core like it did yesterday?
Most days I feel like I’m okay. I mean, I AM okay.
But yesterday? I was angry and it caught me off guard.
Today?
Today is a new day. One that will bring a much-needed shower, healthier food, my husband back from backpacking and answers to a question that’s been looming for a few months. And the best part is, I woke up not feeling angry.
I’m sure it’ll be a good day.
Big Hugs Jana! Glad Henry was so good to you on such a sad (and anger filled day).
AngieDJW recently posted..Mother May I
Jana-
This just made me cry….and smile because as you know I understand every reason for being angry you just mentioned. We both know it gets easier every day….but then something jumps in front of you and brings it all back like a tidal wave. Yesterday….2 butterflies playing in the grass in front of me….back came the tears.
Anger is a good emotion….it keeps us honest. It keeps us alert….but we both know it hurts.
Love you Jana….Happy Birthday to Charlie!!!!!
I honestly can’t fathom what you have gone through, but know you are being thought of.
Julie S. recently posted..These Two…
Love yall
You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to feel anything you need to feel. 1 year later, 9 years later, 50 years later, a million years later… You still lost someone very incredibly special whom you never got to really know. You had him long enough to fall so deeply in love, and then he was gone from your arms. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you what you can and cannot feel. Hear me? Not even yourself. You know full well in your logical mind anger is reasonable. Very very reasonable. So feel it if that’s what you need to feel. That anger is fueling the inspiration to change many lives with the loss of your Charlie. Anything that can fuel your passion to save many lives, can’t be bad.
Jana, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m angry for and with you. I think anger is a totally natural and normal and understandable feeling. I’m sorry you’re enduring it, but like KMarrs wrote in her comment, your anger is useful in helping others. Sending you a hug right through the computer.
Jaime recently posted..A Perfect Storm of Crap
Oh yes. Totally with you on this. Hope today is better.
Beth recently posted..Gratitude
I can understand this more than you’d probably think. It took me a looooong time to heal from my father’s death. About 15 years, in fact…I felt like a piece of me broke finally and I no longer held onto the anger and sadness that seemed to plague me. I still feel sad during anniversary dates but no longer angry, thankfully.
I’m sure it would be harder if it were my child who died. The connection to your child runs so deep.
Ewokmama recently posted..Some Joy
Some days I still get angry that I didn’t get to see my sister, that I didn’t get to go to her funeral. She would be 30 this year. I was 4 when she died. I don’t feel the anger everyday. Nor is it the same as what you are feeling.
My parents no longer feel the anger. At least they say that they don’t.
But every year on her birthday, I call my mom and tell her that I love her. I love that you are making Charlie’s day a special day for Henry. I love that.
Oh Jana, hugs and love. Or a sparring partner – whatever you need. Maybe both? I’m so sorry for your loss, so sad and angry for you.
Triplezmom recently posted..Is That a Boy or a Girl?