The Knot.

The Knot.

**kleenex warning**

Conversations are swirling in my head, making about as much sense as they did during those 3 long days 9 years ago. A lot of words were said. Hope was tossed around. Hope was taken right back, like that “gimme five,up high, down low, too slow” game.

The thoughts in my head, they’re getting knotted up and confusing.

The knot formed by all the swirling thoughts gets tighter in my stomach as I’m remembering.


That’s a funny thing. I want so desperately to remember. But I want so desperately to forget.

The things I want to remember are the simple, tangible, normal moments.

The moments where we walked the track in Byron at Relay for Life, with me wearing a baby and only letting people touch his little toes. The moments where Jason grabbed the camera and snapped pictures of us while I blushed because I hate having my picture taken.

I want to remember bringing him home from the hospital on Memorial Day after he had to stay because he was jaundiced. I want to remember my friends coming to visit and oohing and aahing over him.

The moments I want to remember are the ones that are slipping away. The sounds of him sleeping, the smell of his fresh-bathed skin, the feel of his fuzzy hair. I long for those details to stay with me. But they are the ones that are slowly drifting away.

I want to forget the words that were said in the hospital, sentences that will forever be engraved in my memory. They’re the memories that tie my stomach into a double knot and force my heart into my throat because I start thinking of the enormity of it all.

I want to forget the memory of sitting with the funeral director choosing a tiny casket on the day he was supposed to be born. That day also happened to be Father’s Day.

I want to forget the sight of my strong and brave husband standing at the pulpit of the church giving a eulogy for his first-born son. I never want to forget what he said, though.

Really, I don’t want to forget those moments so much as I want for it to never have happened.

I want to trade the knot in my stomach that holds all my pain for just a little more time with my Charlie.

But I can’t.

It wasn’t and isn’t in my cards. 

Image via Flickr, Creative Commons

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  1. You have my thoughts and my heart.
    Brittany recently posted..Blanket ApologyMy Profile

  2. Much love, my friend. Your words are beautiful.
    alimartell recently posted..Battle Picking at its PinkestMy Profile

  3. Oh Jana.

    I’m sending so much love to you..

    I have been sitting here trying to put words together..but there just really are none.

    But know that much love and many hugs are being sent your way…xoxo
    Erin recently posted..How To Not Get Hired For A Job.My Profile

  4. I have my own set of memories from those days…..and then the massive “fog” that moved into our lives as the realist in me awakened! Tears still attack me , too, at the oddest moments…..but Charlie’s porcelain skin will forever be etched in my memory!
    Right now, tears & love coming to you, Jason, & HL.

  5. Huge hugs and love from me to you. {{{{HUGS}}}}

    My own mothers’ heart aches with yours.

    Love, Dawne
    Dawne recently posted..THAT’S WHAT SHE SAIDMy Profile

  6. I am praying for you tonight. Holding you in my heart and sending you all my love.
    Tracie recently posted..So The Folks At HLN Think Statutory Rape Is Funny?My Profile

  7. oh, Jana, I’m crying. i love you so much, woman.
    Cindy recently posted..A dog’s lifeMy Profile

  8. Light and love to you, this day and all days.

  9. Thinking of you lots these days. Sending you loads of love.
    Dawnie recently posted..NOLA, Consider Yourself WarnedMy Profile

  10. Such a beautiful post Jana – we’ll all hug our kids a little tighter this Father’s Day.

  11. Love you. My thoughts are with you today, and everyday.

  12. Much love to you Jana. My thoughts are with you. This post nearly made me cry..

  13. Christina says:

    You really do have beautiful words, your post made my day. I love it.
    Christina recently posted..A Simple Intro to Sending Kids To Learn Violin MusicMy Profile

  14. It is a cruel world when I think about the pain you must have felt in losing your son. My heart aches for you, Jana. I hope you can hold on to the memories that are with you now, forever. My son was born on Father’s Day and was jaundiced, too. Liver bilirubin count was extremely high. He suffered under the lights for weeks, but survived. I am so grateful and thankful to you for reminding all moms and dads of the true gift and privilege of our children. Peace. Very lovely essay.
    Sandra recently posted..Just In Case You’re Wondering …My Profile

  15. oh sweet words, sad memories, pain and loss … so sorry my dear friend xxxx
    Sisters From Another Mister recently posted..Merida the coronation, and Disney Social Media MomsMy Profile

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