Transition and Transformation

Transition and Transformation

I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of things. None of them are huge or of great consequence, but they add up over time.

Small things build up that cause me to lose sight of who I am and what I’m good at. I let my guard down and energy that’s unwanted invades my personal space. Tiny bits of information get trapped in my heart and soul and brain until the only way to let them out is to sit down with my version of a therapist and poke an imaginary needle in my arm and let it all come out in one giant WHOOOOOOSH! And that’s what I did on Sunday.

And it was the most amazing experience I’ve had in a long time.

Sunday night brought the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. Monday morning, the world looked clear and full of possibilities.

Being very honest here, the Internet is a contributing factor to my worries, though not by any means all of them. It’s such an exhausting, confusing, mean, loving, and wonderfully amazing place. Those are unusual adjectives, huh? Real life is the same way, although people in real life don’t tend to say as much as they do behind the veil of their computer screens.

That said, I’ve met so many amazing people through my computer over the years. It’s opened up a whole new world of thinking to me. It’s made me realize that I’m not alone in my grief. I’m not alone in my fears for my family, especially for my son. I’m not alone in my beliefs, although I try to keep my opinions to myself. It’s taught me to be tolerant, loving, accepting, and kind. It’s taught me to think before I speak and to take everything with a grain of salt!

Social media has brought me joy and it’s brought me heartache. I get sad when a new “scandal” comes along and people say mean things – things they would likely never say to someone’s face. I’m sure I’m guilty of it, but I try really hard not to say something online I wouldn’t say in front of my mama. (good rule to live by, y’all)

I love when people come together to support others that they have never met after a loss, a tragedy, or a heartbreak. That’s when I’m reminded that there are still a lot of good people in the world. I often wonder how the days, months, years after Charlie died would be different had there been Twitter and Facebook at my disposal. I’m mostly glad that it wasn’t there because grieving in “internet time” seems to be far different than grieving in “real time.”

With each new story shared on Facebook, with each new “my way is the right way” comment on Twitter, I find myself hurting more and wearing feelings that aren’t mine.

Life isn’t black or white or extreme. At least my life isn’t.

I choose to live in between… in the color (though some call it gray, but that sounds depressing). I make decisions based on my knowledge and my heart. They may not be the popular decisions, but they’re well thought out and not rash or based on what others expect of me or my husband.

I probably won’t talk about every decision I make, because honestly, I don’t need the internet’s opinion. I won’t discuss religion or politics, because to me they are private matters. Just like school choice, money, where I eat chicken sandwiches and what activities I let my son be involved in.

Being online and hearing/reading everyone’s opinions, usually extreme ones, sucks the color out of my life. It’s just one of many things that takes the positive energy I work hard to keep in my body, and turns it into negative energy.

I want color back in my life.

Living life in color is one of my goals. I’m taking steps right now to get my colorful life back. I need to think for ME, and me alone. I need to tend to my family and home. I need to turn off my computer more and be present in my physical life.

I need to sit and allow myself to be content. I need to follow the path and let it lead me where I should be going.

I need to set goals, get outside, clean this house, start cooking supper again, and start finding the color.

I can see it already and it’s beautiful.

contentment

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. For all the reasons you just mentioned, I haven’t been blogging lately. I’m feeling like it’s time again, but only because I miss writing.

    Great post, it’s like you plucked it out of my head. (Go figure).

    Love you. xoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. Amen, sista’! Heard a sermon the other night on the same subject – right on :)
    Amy Hiley recently posted..Quality Time…My Profile

  3. Thanks for this post. I get worn out on the ‘net for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s like wasteful hangover worn out. Sometimes its a good kind of worn out like after a work out or some productive time trimming hedges in the yard.

    The worst part is when i can’t hear my own self think and forge my own way because of the voices, messages, ‘shoulds’ and ‘shoudln’ts’ that flow freely. Everybody is SO passionate about their way–and are often ‘selling’ it somehow. That part can derail me at times.

    Anywho, thanks, as always, for a beautiful take on whatever it is you happen to be having fun with or thinking about or dealing with!

  4. I’m glad to hear you’re striving to live your life in color. I watched a TED talk video yesterday about happiness. And it was essentially saying to be grateful for every day we have. Every day we wake up is a unique one. Every day we have a chance to learn something new, synthesize new information that changes how we think and react. I’m really trying to take that to heart lately.

    And after reading your Energy Healer post I’m considering looking for one. I always thought that was too ‘woo woo’ for me, but I have two good friends I respect that really believe in chakras and healing energy. Can’t hurt to try it I suppose. (I do like massages though, but to each their own).

  5. This post has such wisdom. It echoes a conversation I had yesterday over a glass of wine with my cousin. We grew up together and are only months apart in age. She doesn’t even have a Facebook page. She acknowledges she’ll have to get one when her son is allowed his — when he enters ninth grade. I agree, my world is so much broader and more rich because of my online friendships — but like anything it needs boundaries. Unpluging is healthy. IT will always be there….24 hours/7 days a week.
    Jamie@southmainmuse recently posted..Home Sweet Home. Until someone sets her hair on fire.My Profile

  6. Thank you. I worked for days on boundaries posts and setting boundaries with the internet is just as important as setting boundaries with other people. Thanks for the reminder that unplugging is healthy to do. Hugs. See you whenever. :)
    Ruth recently posted..Why the obsession?My Profile

  7. Hi Jana, I agree with everyone who commented on your post. I’ve been feeling the same way about the time I spend on the internet. Although it is therapeutic for me most of the time, it does tend to be draining, too. I’m glad you’re working on getting color back into your life. I’m thinking mine could use a little blush, too.
    Sandra recently posted..SOC Sunday: Bouquet of Sublime RealityMy Profile

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  1. […] thankful for my energy healer (aka awesome therapist) who helps clear out the cobwebs when they get thick in my head and […]

  2. […] thankful for my energy healer (aka awesome therapist) who helps clear out the cobwebs when they get thick in my head and […]

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