Twelve. 12. XII.

Twelve. 12. XII.

It’s been a dozen years since you stubbornly and dramatically took your first breath.

Counting that many years without you is more than I can fathom, really.

If someone asked me right now, I would say that it felt like just yesterday they placed you in my arms, all pink and mad.

But if another person came up right behind them, I may say I could barely remember the smell of your skin or how your lip curled just a little at the corner.

While there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about you, there are long stretches of hours when the hole in my heart feels plugged up and dare I say, whole. And then, maybe it’s a glance at the clock at 9:19 or a giraffe figurine in a window, memories come back. I know sometimes it’s you nudging me to remember, to think, to take a minute and thank you for going through life with me.

I’m thankful you were born, Charlie.

Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. That sounds strange, doesn’t it? I mean, obviously I’d rather you be here, but there were clearly much bigger plans for you. You were never supposed to stay.

Do you know how many people your story, as tragic as it was, has helped? A lot.

And do you know how many people I talk to who are grieving the loss of their child who just want to know from someone who has been there, that one day it’ll be ok? A lot.

You sitting on my shoulder, walking life with me, helps me help them. They’re my friends now, just like their babies are playing with you up there. (Make sure you share your cake with them today.)

So instead of finishing the 5th grade this week and headed to middle school, you’re saving babies’ lives and helping me give grieving parents or scared soon-to-be parents hope.

no tears eat cake 400

So today we celebrate you.

We don’t cry because you’re gone,

we eat cake because you were born.

Happy birthday, Charlie!

I love you to Heaven and back.

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Comments

  1. Sending love to you.
    Vikki recently posted..I Am Growing UpMy Profile

  2. Kristina says:

    All the love in the world to you. xoxo

  3. Sending you hugs and love today.

  4. Sending you all my love today, friend. xoxo
    Melisa recently posted..My LTYM Travel Season, By The NumbersMy Profile

  5. Love to you today, and every day.
    Momo recently posted..Cracking up and UnbreakableMy Profile

  6. Much love and comfort to you today. <3
    Tabatha recently posted..Done With A Capital D.My Profile

  7. Such beautiful words, friend. Sending you loads of love and wishing Charlie a happy birthday with my whole heart.
    Andrea B. recently posted..Maternal Mental Health Awareness and SupportMy Profile

  8. Linda Sheridan says:

    Continue shining your light and Charlie’s light to help others!!
    Goddess speed
    Love and lights and angels.

    Linda Sheridan aka fellow lightworker

    • Thank you. I had to go look up lightworker… that’s a new term for me, but yes? I think that fits.
      I appreciate you reading and commenting. <3

  9. Even through the sad you shine love and light. Sending you extra hugs today. xo
    Lisa recently posted..Everyone Should Have a Mr. C.J.My Profile

  10. Happy Birthday in Heaven, Charlie!

  11. This: “there are long stretches of hours when the hole in my heart feels plugged up and dare I say, whole. And then . . .” and then so many things remind, some expected, some so unexpected. Those grieving parents, I’m one, and even at eight years, I look ahead sometimes to people you who have done this longer. Cheers, Charlie.

  12. I wish I could have met him and that I could be there with you to give you a hug and share a piece of cake. I’m so glad you share your memories of Charlie with us.
    Crys recently posted..A Much-Needed Date NightMy Profile

Trackbacks

  1. […] Jana shares a heartfelt post about her son: Twelve […]

  2. […] in May, I had superpowers that would make me lazy and we celebrated what would have been Charlie’s 12th birthday. May was apparently the opposite of […]

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