The Hardest Part…

Day after day, I see pretty quotes come through Facebook and Twitter and everywhere else saying things like, “The hardest part isn’t finishing, it’s starting” and other such motivational blather.

I say blather because, while it IS hard to start AND to finish, I feel like I’m stuck.

I’m feeling more like this:

hardest part

It was pretty easy to start running. I quite literally just woke up one day and said I was going to do it. So I did.

It wasn’t “easy” to finish my half marathon 265 days later. But in a way it was.

Motivation pushed me. Your support and willingness to help with my fundraising pushed me. My son and husband were proud of me and that made me get up and out the door for 4, 6, 8, and gasp! 10 mile runs.

Quite honestly, the fear of failure pushed me more than anything. I had said I was going to do something, run a half marathon, and I felt like others were watching for me to follow through. I don’t like to fail, and I certainly don’t like to disappoint people.

But now I’ve done it. I finished my half marathon. Yet I feel unmotivated. Even though I feel like a total badass, I feel like the fire is gone.

Keeping going with it has been the hardest part of the journey. Maybe that’s totally normal, but people just don’t want to put THAT on motivational posters.

Yes, I’m signed up for a second one in November and yes, I’m still running. But not with any regular schedule or extra oomph! I hate every step of the run, yet I love the thrill of the finish. My body has learned what it can and can’t do, so I’m running using its cues instead of a pre-programmed run/walk program. I’ve found my groove. I am a runner.

Actually, I’m one badass mother runner, or so my hat tells me.

So why do I feel like keeping going isn’t going to be easy? How do I motivate myself to kick it back into gear?

ps: You can get the hat here

Two Halves Make a Whole, Right?

I did it.

I did the thing I swore I wouldn’t do.

I signed up for a second half marathon.

I know. I KNOW. You all told me that I would be addicted. You told me I wouldn’t be able to run just one.

You told me that I’d forget how much it hurt at mile 9 and the next day I’d be wondering when the next one was.

You told me my first wouldn’t be my last.

I didn’t believe you.

But my bank account believes you because I just signed up for the Wine & Dine Half at Disney in November.

It just *happens* to be the weekend we were planning to take Henry for his birthday. COINCIDENCE? I think not…

So here’s to it… to two halves making a whole, to a summer of running, and to another medal for my collection.

Oh, and there’s liquor at the end, so how bad can it be?

Disney Princess Half Marathon Recap

When I got off Exit 149 in Byron last Thursday, I was greeted by a sign I have passed thousands of times before. Only I never noticed it. It said, “FORT VALLEY – 12.

My reaction was an out-loud “OH SHIT” and a feeling of sheer panic flooding over my body.

I was going to have to run farther than from Byron to Fort Valley. Standing up. In a time limit. Without dying. With people waiting to hear how I did.

Less than a year ago, I would have laughed in your face and told you YOU were insane if you’d said I would ever run a half marathon. I had ankles that were the size of my knees from swelling and pain, I had an extra bazillion pounds on me and couldn’t run more than 30 seconds without feeling like I was dying.

I don’t make decisions easily, but for some reason, waking up one morning and signing up for Couch to 5k and about a week later deciding that I would run the Princess Half with the Ronald McDonald House were decisions that I made with hardly any second thoughts.

There are a million moments I want to share from the weekend, but they’ll have to come at different times. It’s too overwhelming to wrap it all into one neat post.

Last Sunday, we’ll call it Race Day, we were up at 2am. We had time to have a little coffee, fuel ourselves with bananas and banana bread (probably not the best choice, but it was delish), get our costumes on, wake up a little, and be at the bus around 3:15.

The buses were filled with an energy that was hard to describe. It was 50% excitement, 30% panic, and 20% OHMYGODIMGONNAVOMIT.

Once we got there, we walked. And walked. And walked some more. I swear we walked 5 miles just going from bus to tent village to the start line.

A pit stop at the RMHC tent got us another banana and a team picture.

team

Team Charlie’s Angels: Princess Leia, Elastigirl from The Incredibles, and Rapunzel

Here’s where it all got blurry… the long walk through what I assume was the back lots of Epcot.

These signs were all along the way. It was too late to turn around, though.

wrong way

 

Headed to the corral – E for EVERYBODY WHO IS AWESOME. I met up with a twitter friend Amy (@selfishmom). She was lovely and fun to hang with while we waited to run.

selfishmom

The excitement was escalating. The tempo of the music was increasing and the adrenaline was flowing freely now. There was nowhere to go but the finish line.  At 5:30am, they started releasing corrals. Our corral was set to start at 6:03 and in true Disney fashion, it was right on time.

With a Fairy Godmother giving the magic words, “Salagadoola mechicka boola,” she counted down 3-2-1 and the corral was sent off in a fanfare only Disney could provide. Fireworks in a parking lot at 6 in the morning with characters and fairy dust and magic. JUST MAGIC.

startline

The race itself was a blur. Amy and I ran together the whole time. I’d be lying if I said we ran most of the way. We walked a LOT. She was a trooper and stayed with me (her choice, I tried to get her to go get a better time). Karen took off and kicked butt! So proud of her.

I’ve found that I get dizzy during races. The bouncing up and down and moving side to side and flippy ponytails of people make me lose my center and get all discombobulated. With thousands of people in costume and music and noise and chatter all around, it was easily confusing.

collageprincesshalf

There was entertainment every mile. Everything from a marching band to characters to a gospel choir.

There were markers every mile. It’s awesome when you happen to miss a marker and wonder, “Where in the hell is mile 11?” and then you see mile marker 12 and realize you’re AL.MOST.DONE.

The pain was a blur, too. I know I hurt lots of the time, but it’s like childbirth and I don’t remember. (Full disclosure: I remember childbirth and would NOT do that again.)

As we turned the corner around mile 11.5, there was a girl with a microphone asking where people were from and what they were running for. I stopped and grabbed the mic and shouted out, “GO TEAM CHARLIE’S ANGELS!”

What a cool moment!

Right after that was the most vivid part of the race. Shooting pain in my left heel where a blister apparently burst. It was a horrible feeling. For a while I thought I surely would have a bone sticking out of my foot when I took off the shoe. But it was just a blister. On top of a blister. OUCH!!

With less than a half mile to go, there was a gospel choir singing and let me tell you… that’s when I knew I could finish. I was almost there.

Amy grabbed my hand and started singing “Jesus Loves Me,” the song that Aunt Diane started singing after Charlie was baptized in the hospital room. Amy sang it as we crossed the finish line and then, right then, I realized something.

medal

I can do anything I set my mind to.

I have done the hardest thing anybody can do, and I survived.

Running 13.1 miles was nothing compared to hearing the words, “time of death…”

I did it for Charlie. I did it for Henry and Jason. I did it for people who might’ve thought I couldn’t do it.

I did it for the families whose lives will be blessed because of the Ronald McDonald House.

I did it for you, because you supported me in all my (half) insanity.

But most of all, I did it for me.

And now, instead of saying, “Oh shit that’s a long way to run” when I see the sign from Byron to Fort Valley, I’ll say, “I could run that if I wanted to.

ps: Now I feel like I need a medal for finishing this post.

pps: Yes, I will do another one.

ppps: No I won’t do a full, but two halves make a whole, right? :)

 

Overwhelmed With Love

I’m overwhelmed.

Yes, I’m like everybody else and I’m overwhelmed with work and home and school and pets and all the things that need to be done around the house. I’m overwhelmed with laundry and groceries and would rather eat a bowl of cereal than cook dinner.

But I’m also overwhelmed with love.

My goodness, I’m in love with life right now!

I’d be lying if I said things weren’t going well. No, things aren’t perfect, but really, will they ever be? Yes, I get mad at the kid and wish we didn’t have a dog and cat (especially when one pees on the floor, the other throws up and then the first one eats my shoelaces). And I may yell and cuss (way) too much, but life is good. It’s really, really good.

What are you all ooey gooey mushy about now, Jana?

So many things. Too many to count, thought I can come up with some…

  • Jason sprung Valentine’s Day on me a day early, and it included a blue box from Tiffany & Co. and a beautiful note that made me weepy.
  • Over 100 of you have helped me raise over $4000 for the Ronald McDonald House in Macon. Your support has made me realize so much about myself and has made me remember that there is so much good in the world. Sometimes it’s hard to see through the negativity, but it’s there. It’s in all of you!
  • I have some of the most amazing teammates anybody could ask for. I’ve found something I love (er, hate) doing… Running. And I’ve had Karen and Amy by my side, along with dozens of others pushing me to keep on.
  • Henry, even in his crazy, wild, teenager-acting self, is an amazing little bundle of love. I mean, his middle name is even Love! He fills me with so much joy (and frustration) sometimes I feel like I will surely burst!
  • I’m in love with me. Whaaaaat? I’m so proud of myself for doing something outside my comfort zone, setting a giant goal, and being a week away from doing what now seems like a pretty easy little run. I love that when I say things like, “I signed up for a race, but it’s just a 10k,” I get full of pride. I love that Jason is proud and Henry is proud. I love that I have chosen to do something that will help me both physically and mentally for years to come. I love the rush of finishing a race and looking to the next one.
  • There are other changes going on that I can reveal later, but for now I can just say that there are amazing things in store. (Vague much?) (sorry)
  • In a nutshell, right now I’m just a big ole blob of love. I’m overwhelmed with love I’m being shown and love that I feel towards others.

    I’ve gotta ask… Will you all be my Valentines?

    Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Blessed

    I’ve been blown away and humbled this week at the donations that have come in for the Ronald McDonald House in our Charlie’s memory.

    It’s made me realize how blessed I am. In life, in love, in health… I have so much to be thankful for. We all do.

    Today’s (completely) optional prompt: Blessings

    Every day is a gift. We are blessed with each and every one we are given. Sometimes it’s hard to see the little things that make each day wonderful.

    There are the obvious things like food, shelter, heat, love, family… But them there are other little gems that get overlooked.

    How about the friend that texts you when she thinks about you?

    Or the niece who sends a very special gift to you that speaks to your heart?

    There’s that former dance teacher who sends a note for your birthday and the birthday of your deceased son.

    Then there are the dozens of you (yes, you) who have supported me in my training and fundraising who make my heart grow a million sizes.

    I promise I’ll stop talking about this soon big right now, I realize how blessed I am to be surrounded by such love and support.

    How are you blessed?

    **********************
    This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

    Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.

    Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.

    Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.

    Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post (in the sidebar).

    Link up your post below.

    Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

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